Finding Balance: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Living for Yourself
It is common for us to want others to like us and respect us. However, some people are willing to sacrifice their own wants, needs, boundaries and more in order to achieve the approval of others. These individuals demonstrate problematic people pleasing behavior that can result in the loss of self, resentment and inability to identify individual preferences. Let’s explore what this looks like, why this happens and how to address the behavior.
People-pleasing involves consistently prioritizing others' wants and expectations over your own needs and values. It can manifest in various ways such as difficulty saying no. You may agree to requests even when you do not want to or they are inconvenient. People pleasing goes hand in hand with individuals who deeply desire to avoid conflict. They may bend over backwards to keep the peace even if that means suppressing their own opinions or needs.
These individuals are constantly seeking the approval of others. This can range from people who they are close with to perfect strangers who they hold the door for. This makes every interaction more personalized and weighted with importance. If they interact with a colleague who is having a bad day for personal reasons, they may receive this coworkers’ terse responses as their fault and try to overcompensate or even leave the interaction feeling as if they have done something wrong.
The incessant drive to get the approval of others can result in neglecting the individuals’ needs and wants. This can include self care and well-being. If we always prioritize the wants and needs of others, we are putting ourselves second and ultimately denying ourselves.
While people-pleasing often stems from a desire to be liked and accepted, it can lead to a range of negative outcomes, including stress, resentment, and a diminished sense of self.
The roots of people-pleasing can vary. A common cause is a person’s trauma or other life experiences. Have you heard of the fight, flight or freeze response to stress? There is an additional response called fawning in which the individual exposed to stress and/or trauma fawns over the source of the trauma. They learn to soothe the stress factor by appeasement.
An individual’s upbringing can be a factor of people-pleasing behavior. If you were a child in an environment where approval was conditional or conflict was avoided at all costs, this can instill a tendency to prioritize others’ needs.
Low self esteem and fear of rejection are closely linked with the motivation for people pleasing. Individuals may go out of their way to please others out of the fear that they will lose the other person’s favor, friendship or approval. Also, when an individual’s self worth is closely linked to external validation, the person may feel it necessary to seek out approval of others in order to feel worthy and good about themselves.
Lastly, we cannot ignore that in some cultures and communities, self-sacrifice and putting others first are highly valued. This reinforces and even rewards people-pleasing behavior.
Addressing People-Pleasing
Addressing people-pleasing involves a combination of self-awareness, boundary-setting, and building self-confidence. Here are some steps to help you break free from this pattern:
Recognize the Behavior: The first step is to acknowledge when you’re people-pleasing. Pay attention to situations where you feel compelled to put others' needs ahead of your own or where you seek validation.
Understand the Root Causes: Reflect on why you engage in people-pleasing. Consider your upbringing, past experiences, and cultural influences. Understanding the root causes can help you address the underlying issues.
Set Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries. This means being able to say no when necessary and prioritizing your own needs. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.
Practice Assertiveness: Assertiveness involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully. Practice communicating your boundaries and desires without feeling guilty.
Build Self-Esteem: Work on building a positive self-image that isn’t reliant on external approval. Focus on your strengths, achievements, and values. Engage in activities that boost your confidence and self-worth.
People-pleasing is a common behavior, but it doesn’t have to define you. By understanding its origins and taking proactive steps to address it, you can create healthier relationships and a more balanced life. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your needs and say no when necessary. Your well-being is important, and taking care of yourself is essential to living a fulfilling life.
