Keeping The Peace

8 Proven Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Relationships

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how we handle it can make a significant difference in the health and longevity of the relationship. Effective communication is key to reducing conflict and fostering a stronger, more understanding connection between partners. Let’s talk about some strategies you can use in communication to help reduce conflict and defensiveness. 

1. Practice Active Listening

It is amazing how you can hear someone without actually listening. This can look like waiting for your turn to speak rather than hearing and considering what the other person is saying. We can demonstrate a skill called active listening by doing things like giving the other person our full attention. Put away distractions like the phone or television when having the conversation. Another way to show active listening is reflecting back to the other person a summary of what they shared with you. For example, you might say “It sounds like you are frustrated when ___ happens”. This tells the other person that you took in what they were communicating to you. Lastly, practice validating the other person’s feelings. This does not have to mean that you are agreeing and accepting fault- a common issue I hear in my sessions with couples. It is entirely possible to validate your partner’s feelings and then go on to explain your perspective or experience that looks different. The act of validating feelings decreases defensive responses and invites your partner to hear what you then have to say. 

2. Use "I" Statements

Often, we enter these conversations with accusations about what the other person has done wrong. We attempt to share how we are feeling by talking about how the other person messed up or is in the wrong with statements such as “you did this” or “you always do this”. Instead, try to lead your statements with “I” to share how you are feeling rather than describing what the other person has done or is doing. A common example of reframing to an “I” statement is as follows: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I talk about my day.” By initiating the conversation with how you are feeling, you reduce the defensive response of your partner who no longer needs to argue against the accusation. When you share how you are feeling, you invite your partner to validate your feelings first and foremost. This will help you to feel heard and understood and can then position you to feel more open to hearing your partner’s perspective. 

3. Stay Calm and Composed

Emotions can run high during conflicts, but staying calm is crucial for effective communication. Practice taking deep breaths throughout the conversation to keep your nervous system regulated. You can also try pausing a moment before you respond to prevent saying something you might regret that was fueled by an emotional reaction. Remember that you can always take a break if things get too heated! I encourage the couples that I work with to practice communicating when they need a break, for how long and a promise to return to the topic at a specified day/time. This prevents one person from controlling the conversation by starting and stopping on their own terms. 

4. Focus on the Issue at Hand

Stay on topic and avoid bringing up past grievances or issues unrelated to the issue being discussed at that moment. When we start to introduce old conflicts, the conversation can veer off the rails quickly and devolve into a flurried list of every topic you’ve ever argued about before. This is not productive and does not help to solve the original issue. Also, avoid generalizations. Words like “always” or “never” are not specific and are often an unfair portrait that can escalate the conflict. 

5. Seek to Understand, Not to Win

The goal of a conflict should be to reach a mutual understanding, not to “win” the argument. No one wins when the goal is winning. I mean, even if you did “win” an argument with your partner- now what? You have a short lived feeling of victory and a partner who feels defeated or resentful. Ultimately this does not serve the relationship. Recognize that you need to at least be able to hear and validate the other person’s feelings to work towards reaching a resolution that will work for you both. Utilize empathy to try and see things from your partner’s perspective. Remember that this is a collaboration where you work together to find a solution that satisfies you both. 

6. Establish Boundaries

Setting boundaries helps to create a safe space for both partners to express themselves without fear of retribution. Understand that there are limits for each of you and being able to communicate these limits is essential to maintaining the feelings of safety. An example of this would be when one person is feeling overwhelmed and needs to take a break. This needs to be respected. There should be a mutual agreement between partners about the acceptable behaviors and language during conflict. Resorting to yelling or derogatory language in a conflict creates an unsafe and disrespectful environment for the conversation to continue. 

7. Practice Forgiveness

Holding onto grudges can poison a relationship. Practicing forgiveness helps to move past conflicts and build a stronger connection. Remember again that the ultimate goal is not to “win” and hold onto this over your partner’s head. The goal is to reach a solution that you both can agree to. This means that when you reach that solution, you agree to let go and accept the solution fully. While many emotions can come up throughout the course of the conversation, it’s important to come back to a place of apologizing if necessary. When or if you do need to apologize, do so with sincerity and not sarcasm or with a sense of obligation. Really mean it. 

8. Seek Professional Help When Needed

Sometimes, conflicts can be too complex or intense to handle on your own. Seeking the help of a therapist can provide valuable tools and strategies for improving communication and resolving conflicts. Couples therapy can offer professional guidance to help address deep-seated issues and improve relationship dynamics. I sometimes refer to myself as an interpreter during couples conflicts where I can help each person to feel more understood and heard and we try to prevent the conflict from escalating. Also, individual therapy can be a fantastic asset to reducing conflict within the relationship by working on personal issues. 

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. By practicing active listening, using “I” statements, staying calm, focusing on the issue, seeking to understand, establishing boundaries, practicing forgiveness, and seeking professional help when needed, couples can reduce conflict and build a stronger, more understanding connection. Remember, it’s not about avoiding conflict entirely but handling it in a way that strengthens your relationship.