How to Resent Your Partner Less (Without Becoming a Holiday Grinch)
The holiday season is often described as magical, but for many of us, it’s also one of the most stressful times of the year. The endless to-do lists, social obligations, and high expectations can leave even the most patient person feeling overwhelmed. If you’re carrying the bulk of the mental load in your household, it’s easy to feel resentful toward your partner—especially if you feel like you’re doing everything while they skate by.
The good news is that with a little intentionality, you can work through these feelings and find more connection instead of conflict. Here are four strategies to help reduce resentment and build teamwork with your partner this holiday season:
1. Speak Up About Expectations
Resentment often grows in silence. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, They should just know what I need! But the reality is, your partner isn’t a mind reader. Instead of waiting for them to magically guess what’s on your plate, take the time to clearly communicate your needs and expectations.
For example, instead of silently fuming about handling all the gift shopping, try saying something like, “It would be really helpful if you could take care of buying gifts for your side of the family this year.” By naming specific tasks and asking for help directly, you’re giving your partner the opportunity to step up in a meaningful way.
2. Divide the Load
It’s common for one partner to unintentionally take on more than their fair share of holiday responsibilities, especially if they’re used to managing the details. To avoid this imbalance, make a list of everything that needs to get done and divide it up in a way that feels fair to both of you.
This might include things like cooking, cleaning, decorating, shopping, or managing the kids during holiday events. When tasks are visible and shared, it’s easier for both partners to understand the workload and feel like a team. Remember, fairness doesn’t always mean an even split—it means finding a balance that works for your unique situation.
3. Shift Your Perspective
When we’re feeling resentful, it’s natural to focus on what our partner isn’t doing. But this narrow view can make resentment grow even stronger. Instead, try shifting your perspective to notice what they are contributing, even if it looks different from how you’d approach things.
For example, maybe your partner isn’t great at planning meals, but they’re the one who always keeps the kids entertained while you cook. Acknowledging their contributions—even if they don’t match your own—can help ease tension and create a more collaborative mindset. Gratitude and recognition can go a long way in reducing feelings of frustration.
4. Build In Time for Connection
When the holidays are in full swing, it’s easy to let your relationship take a backseat to everything else. But carving out small, meaningful moments with your partner can make a big difference in reducing resentment and strengthening your bond.
This doesn’t have to be elaborate—even something as simple as watching a favorite holiday movie together or sharing a quiet cup of coffee before the kids wake up can help you reconnect. These moments remind you that you’re a team, not just co-workers managing the chaos of family life.
Final Thoughts
The holidays don’t have to leave you feeling burned out and bitter. By communicating openly, dividing responsibilities, and prioritizing connection, you can create a season that feels less overwhelming and more joyful. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and to set boundaries around what you can realistically handle.
If you’re finding it hard to move past feelings of resentment or need support navigating the emotional challenges of the holiday season, therapy can be a valuable tool. Working with a therapist can help you explore these feelings, improve communication, and find new ways to strengthen your relationship—during the holidays and beyond.
You don’t have to do it all alone. With the right tools and support, this holiday season can be one of connection, teamwork, and peace.
